Unable to Feel OR Filling the Void

Been seeing this woman casually and off and on for a few months.  I'm not feeling it, but it's nice to have female company from time to time.  No we're not fucking.  I actually haven't even kissed her yet.  We're in this weird perpetual first date thing.  Since the break up, I've had a hard time opening up or getting attached to anyone or anything.  She's very reserved and quiet to begin with.  We laugh a little, we talk about things.  It's just nice.  It's simple.  It's... safe.

Lately I've been trying to fill the void inside me by making new friends and banding together a small group of chum to take part in an extremely geeky activity.  It's nice being able to hang out with people and just be myself.  I enjoy my modeling hobby a lot and it's great I finally have people to share it with...  but i feel like I'm just building a group of people around em to mask my emptiness inside.  Like I'm just trying to fill a hole that can never be filled.

I'm a hot fucking mess.

I am an idiot

I don't know why I did it, but I logged back into a de-activated Facebook account so I could see what my ex has been up to.  I'm so sick of dreaming about her and wondering about how she's doing.  I just can't let it go.

Why is it that now that we're not together she's started to have interest in all the things I wanted her to be interested in when we were together.  We could have had so much fun if we hadn't split.

I miss the emotional support of a relationship.  I am under so much stress lately from school and work and not having any time for fun or just to relax.  I lay in bed wishing that the pillow I'm clinging to was a warm body who would tell me I'm doing a great job keeping up with school and I'm working towards a better future and everything is going to be alright.  I have no one to count on for that.  i have no one to look into my eyes and tell me they love me, that they are proud of me, that they want me to succeed.

I haven't cried over the break up in months... but tonight, the tears fall like the rain outside...

Feeling abandoned and alone today

Everything seems so pointless right now.  I was a week late in getting textbooks for two of my classes.  One of those classes is an accelerated course, so missing one week is like missing two weeks.  It's week three as of yesterday and I am still catching up.  I have done the equivalent of 6 weeks worth of work in 6 days and my mind is numb.  I have filled every waking moment with either work or school work.  Mid term exams are fast approaching, papers due, writing assignments, scholarly research, reading, reading, reading, reading.  My head hurts, I'm so stressed out right now.

On days like these I knew when it was time for bed I'd have you by my side.  I would lay my head on your warm body, your small but perky breasts like a comforting cushion for a weary mind.  You would stroke my hair and whisper sweet words in my ear assuring me that you loved me and you supported me and that I was strong enough to get through all the stress and I would come out on top.

Wrapped in your arms, your smell stimulating all the best places in my mind would make me happy again.  The stresses would melt away and all that would remain is us, laying in bed together, our bare bodies touching, tangled together.  I miss that so much.  I miss the comfort you brought me.  You gave me purpose and a sense of direction.  You made it all meaningful rather than meaningless.

I wish I had love again; love and support.

Here We Go Again

I have been wanting to find someone new almost since the day of the break up.  Naturally, right?  That need to know I'm not a fuck up and can be loved.  The need to know that I'm still worth something.  Well, it has been a few months and that need subsided.  I had finally decided for myself that while I am ready for a new relationship, I have to wait for the other person to also be ready and then we'll find each other...

So I decided to stop looking...

That same day, she walked into my life. We've been on a couple dates now.  We are constantly texting.  We get along very well. She also just got out of a serious relationship.  We both want the same things in life.  I fear she's falling to fast.  And I'm also worried that, while I thought I was ready and I have every reason to like this girl a lot and she makes me happy... I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to get back into something new.  I don't want to be hurt again. Not like that.

So here we go... I don't know what to do.  If I'm going to break it off, I should do it soon while things are just starting to happen...

She does make me smile a lot, though...

Time and Space

I turn to a higher power when my soul is at it's lowest. Am I shallow for only believing in something more when I desperately need it? Where else to turn for matters of the heart, a confusing and misunderstood function of the human spirit, than a magical being that may or may not exist? I have sought friends and relatives for advice. All offer the same callous remarks or softer versions of the same advice. Clearly it isn't what I want to hear. I have tried to reason with my feelings, a fools errand at best. I have investigated all logical solutions, explanations, and possible outcomes for various decisions. The only conclusion that gives me any sense of hope, the only option that offers respite from this bottomless pit, the only thought that brings me happiness is to either fight for the love I want or to watch my heart die as I try and fail. I cannot go on the way I have. I am constantly trying to improve myself. It started with going back to school, I am starting a better job soon, and I am getting myself to exercise regularly. I will be a better person. I am more in touch with my darker side than I ever have been, learning what sets it in motion and it's limits. I wish I had a proper way of utilizing it in the manner I so desire. Rage and hatred fill me; I know what will quell the darkness inside, but I have no outlet. These things too point me toward the same conclusion as the previously mentioned matters of the heart.

I have but one thing left to do. I will give her what she wants, as much as I can give anyway. I only hope it will be enough. 

You will see the tears of time.

What is love anyway?

My ex fiance has basically turned my life upside down since the break up.  We had a life together.  I loved her so hard, so strongly, almost forcefully.  I may have smothered her in the process of caring about her and wanting her to be as happy as she could be.

I spent a year in deep dark depression.  I mean I was so low suicide didn't even look like a hopeful way out.  I realize, looking back, that it wasn't my job weighing me down, it wasn't that I got fired from a good job and spent nearly a year unemployed, and it wasn't my financial burdens that were affecting my perspective on life.

My ex fiance never supported me, never tried to help me feel better, never even told me she loved me first.  I was on hard times and all she wanted was dinner when she got home and to be left alone to do her rituals in the morning.  We sat in our office, sharing space but not actually being together.  We would sit at our computers and talk about the various things we saw on our Facebook feeds.  She would always insist on listening to HER music, not mine.  We weren't happy the way we had been.  She stopped loving me.  She gave up on loving me.  I'm starting to wonder if she ever really did.  I mean what is love?

She didn't care for me when I was sick, she told me to pop some pills and get over it.  She cooked dinner only if her friend was coming over to visit.  Cleaning? Forget about it until the place was unbearable!  But love is deeper than that, isn't it?  Isn't there supposed to be more to it than making each other's lives easier?  I never felt from her a truly deep emotional bond... except in the beginning.  One time at her place, before she moved in with me (naturally), I was sitting on the couch and she came up and straddled me.  Not in a sexual way.  She sat on me, and just rested on me.  Her arms were tucked in and I wrapped mine around her.  I felt like I was her whole world in that moment.  I felt like a guardian, in a sense.  I felt important, and loved, and needed.  I think that was one of the happiest moments in my entire life.

She's a completely different person now.  She only wants physical sensation, she has no emotions anymore.  She's bottled them up. She's always been afraid to let emotions out and now she simply can't.  When I was depressed and home all the time, that's when it started.  She started avoiding me, making excuse after excuse to be with her friends and never be home.  My reaction to this was a desperate plea for her attention because I knew i was losing her.  She bottled up her emotions for me until she couldn't feel anymore.  That when she started to have such a driving need for pain.  She needed physical stimulation in order to feel anything.  I didn't understand this and thought that loving her in more traditional ways was what would bring her back to me.  Constant reminders of how much I cared, hand squeezing, hugs, cuddling, gifts, sweet nothings, etc.

I wish I had loved her without needing to understand her.  I wish I could have been with her without picking her apart.  I wish I would have just given her what she needed without thinking so much about the act of hurting her.

When I explained all this to her earlier this week when I had to go see her to pick up some of my last few possessions, she was at first surprised that I had nailed it so accurately on the head and then told me I'm the only person she will ever love and the only person who will ever understand her.  She says now that she's had space her need for pain has lessened and she is happier.  I didn't ask her to take me back. Instead I unfriended her on Facebook.

Goodbye, my lover.

Girlfriend Number One

Summer of 2002, Jackie H.  I adored her.  Looking back I can't honestly tell you why.  We didn't like the same music, or the same style of fashion, we didn't share any hobbies or interests.  But she was pretty and she thought I was funny.

Irish girl, through and through.  Strawberry blonde hair, pale skinned, but not in a sickly sort of way.  Milky white.  I treated her like a princess all summer, trying to get her to be my girlfriend.  I remember chasing after her, walking miles and miles from my house to hers in the hot July sun just to see her for a few brief moments before her mom came home and made me leave.

I was still a virgin. She had experience, probably a lot more than she should of at the age of 16.  We were sitting on the couch in my parent's living room. Holding hands.  Just watching TV.  She spread her legs and put my hand on her crotch.  It was so warm.  She was hot.  I was nervous.  We went to my room and shut the door.  We laid on the bed and I was scared to make any sort of move.  I mean this was way too fast.  We hadn't even kissed yet.  She had her pants unbuttoned, unzipped, and I was just dumbfounded.  My little brother (3 yrs younger than I) barged into the room at that moment and yelled at us demanding to know what we were doing.

In a way he saved me that day.  A few weeks later she finally said yes to being my girlfriend... then she cheated on me with my cousin...  I walked in on it.

Just wanted to hold her hand, make out, share secrets, fall in love.  She just wanted sex.