I turn to a higher power when my soul is at it's lowest. Am I shallow for only believing in something more when I desperately need it? Where else to turn for matters of the heart, a confusing and misunderstood function of the human spirit, than a magical being that may or may not exist? I have sought friends and relatives for advice. All offer the same callous remarks or softer versions of the same advice. Clearly it isn't what I want to hear. I have tried to reason with my feelings, a fools errand at best. I have investigated all logical solutions, explanations, and possible outcomes for various decisions. The only conclusion that gives me any sense of hope, the only option that offers respite from this bottomless pit, the only thought that brings me happiness is to either fight for the love I want or to watch my heart die as I try and fail. I cannot go on the way I have. I am constantly trying to improve myself. It started with going back to school, I am starting a better job soon, and I am getting myself to exercise regularly. I will be a better person. I am more in touch with my darker side than I ever have been, learning what sets it in motion and it's limits. I wish I had a proper way of utilizing it in the manner I so desire. Rage and hatred fill me; I know what will quell the darkness inside, but I have no outlet. These things too point me toward the same conclusion as the previously mentioned matters of the heart.
I have but one thing left to do. I will give her what she wants, as much as I can give anyway. I only hope it will be enough.
You will see the tears of time.
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