I am an idiot

I don't know why I did it, but I logged back into a de-activated Facebook account so I could see what my ex has been up to.  I'm so sick of dreaming about her and wondering about how she's doing.  I just can't let it go.

Why is it that now that we're not together she's started to have interest in all the things I wanted her to be interested in when we were together.  We could have had so much fun if we hadn't split.

I miss the emotional support of a relationship.  I am under so much stress lately from school and work and not having any time for fun or just to relax.  I lay in bed wishing that the pillow I'm clinging to was a warm body who would tell me I'm doing a great job keeping up with school and I'm working towards a better future and everything is going to be alright.  I have no one to count on for that.  i have no one to look into my eyes and tell me they love me, that they are proud of me, that they want me to succeed.

I haven't cried over the break up in months... but tonight, the tears fall like the rain outside...

Feeling abandoned and alone today

Everything seems so pointless right now.  I was a week late in getting textbooks for two of my classes.  One of those classes is an accelerated course, so missing one week is like missing two weeks.  It's week three as of yesterday and I am still catching up.  I have done the equivalent of 6 weeks worth of work in 6 days and my mind is numb.  I have filled every waking moment with either work or school work.  Mid term exams are fast approaching, papers due, writing assignments, scholarly research, reading, reading, reading, reading.  My head hurts, I'm so stressed out right now.

On days like these I knew when it was time for bed I'd have you by my side.  I would lay my head on your warm body, your small but perky breasts like a comforting cushion for a weary mind.  You would stroke my hair and whisper sweet words in my ear assuring me that you loved me and you supported me and that I was strong enough to get through all the stress and I would come out on top.

Wrapped in your arms, your smell stimulating all the best places in my mind would make me happy again.  The stresses would melt away and all that would remain is us, laying in bed together, our bare bodies touching, tangled together.  I miss that so much.  I miss the comfort you brought me.  You gave me purpose and a sense of direction.  You made it all meaningful rather than meaningless.

I wish I had love again; love and support.