I turn to a higher power when my soul is at it's lowest. Am I shallow for only believing in something more when I desperately need it? Where else to turn for matters of the heart, a confusing and misunderstood function of the human spirit, than a magical being that may or may not exist? I have sought friends and relatives for advice. All offer the same callous remarks or softer versions of the same advice. Clearly it isn't what I want to hear. I have tried to reason with my feelings, a fools errand at best. I have investigated all logical solutions, explanations, and possible outcomes for various decisions. The only conclusion that gives me any sense of hope, the only option that offers respite from this bottomless pit, the only thought that brings me happiness is to either fight for the love I want or to watch my heart die as I try and fail. I cannot go on the way I have. I am constantly trying to improve myself. It started with going back to school, I am starting a better job soon, and I am getting myself to exercise regularly. I will be a better person. I am more in touch with my darker side than I ever have been, learning what sets it in motion and it's limits. I wish I had a proper way of utilizing it in the manner I so desire. Rage and hatred fill me; I know what will quell the darkness inside, but I have no outlet. These things too point me toward the same conclusion as the previously mentioned matters of the heart.
I have but one thing left to do. I will give her what she wants, as much as I can give anyway. I only hope it will be enough.
You will see the tears of time.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
What is love anyway?
My ex fiance has basically turned my life upside down since the break up. We had a life together. I loved her so hard, so strongly, almost forcefully. I may have smothered her in the process of caring about her and wanting her to be as happy as she could be.
I spent a year in deep dark depression. I mean I was so low suicide didn't even look like a hopeful way out. I realize, looking back, that it wasn't my job weighing me down, it wasn't that I got fired from a good job and spent nearly a year unemployed, and it wasn't my financial burdens that were affecting my perspective on life.
My ex fiance never supported me, never tried to help me feel better, never even told me she loved me first. I was on hard times and all she wanted was dinner when she got home and to be left alone to do her rituals in the morning. We sat in our office, sharing space but not actually being together. We would sit at our computers and talk about the various things we saw on our Facebook feeds. She would always insist on listening to HER music, not mine. We weren't happy the way we had been. She stopped loving me. She gave up on loving me. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really did. I mean what is love?
She didn't care for me when I was sick, she told me to pop some pills and get over it. She cooked dinner only if her friend was coming over to visit. Cleaning? Forget about it until the place was unbearable! But love is deeper than that, isn't it? Isn't there supposed to be more to it than making each other's lives easier? I never felt from her a truly deep emotional bond... except in the beginning. One time at her place, before she moved in with me (naturally), I was sitting on the couch and she came up and straddled me. Not in a sexual way. She sat on me, and just rested on me. Her arms were tucked in and I wrapped mine around her. I felt like I was her whole world in that moment. I felt like a guardian, in a sense. I felt important, and loved, and needed. I think that was one of the happiest moments in my entire life.
She's a completely different person now. She only wants physical sensation, she has no emotions anymore. She's bottled them up. She's always been afraid to let emotions out and now she simply can't. When I was depressed and home all the time, that's when it started. She started avoiding me, making excuse after excuse to be with her friends and never be home. My reaction to this was a desperate plea for her attention because I knew i was losing her. She bottled up her emotions for me until she couldn't feel anymore. That when she started to have such a driving need for pain. She needed physical stimulation in order to feel anything. I didn't understand this and thought that loving her in more traditional ways was what would bring her back to me. Constant reminders of how much I cared, hand squeezing, hugs, cuddling, gifts, sweet nothings, etc.
I wish I had loved her without needing to understand her. I wish I could have been with her without picking her apart. I wish I would have just given her what she needed without thinking so much about the act of hurting her.
When I explained all this to her earlier this week when I had to go see her to pick up some of my last few possessions, she was at first surprised that I had nailed it so accurately on the head and then told me I'm the only person she will ever love and the only person who will ever understand her. She says now that she's had space her need for pain has lessened and she is happier. I didn't ask her to take me back. Instead I unfriended her on Facebook.
Goodbye, my lover.
I spent a year in deep dark depression. I mean I was so low suicide didn't even look like a hopeful way out. I realize, looking back, that it wasn't my job weighing me down, it wasn't that I got fired from a good job and spent nearly a year unemployed, and it wasn't my financial burdens that were affecting my perspective on life.
My ex fiance never supported me, never tried to help me feel better, never even told me she loved me first. I was on hard times and all she wanted was dinner when she got home and to be left alone to do her rituals in the morning. We sat in our office, sharing space but not actually being together. We would sit at our computers and talk about the various things we saw on our Facebook feeds. She would always insist on listening to HER music, not mine. We weren't happy the way we had been. She stopped loving me. She gave up on loving me. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really did. I mean what is love?
She didn't care for me when I was sick, she told me to pop some pills and get over it. She cooked dinner only if her friend was coming over to visit. Cleaning? Forget about it until the place was unbearable! But love is deeper than that, isn't it? Isn't there supposed to be more to it than making each other's lives easier? I never felt from her a truly deep emotional bond... except in the beginning. One time at her place, before she moved in with me (naturally), I was sitting on the couch and she came up and straddled me. Not in a sexual way. She sat on me, and just rested on me. Her arms were tucked in and I wrapped mine around her. I felt like I was her whole world in that moment. I felt like a guardian, in a sense. I felt important, and loved, and needed. I think that was one of the happiest moments in my entire life.
She's a completely different person now. She only wants physical sensation, she has no emotions anymore. She's bottled them up. She's always been afraid to let emotions out and now she simply can't. When I was depressed and home all the time, that's when it started. She started avoiding me, making excuse after excuse to be with her friends and never be home. My reaction to this was a desperate plea for her attention because I knew i was losing her. She bottled up her emotions for me until she couldn't feel anymore. That when she started to have such a driving need for pain. She needed physical stimulation in order to feel anything. I didn't understand this and thought that loving her in more traditional ways was what would bring her back to me. Constant reminders of how much I cared, hand squeezing, hugs, cuddling, gifts, sweet nothings, etc.
I wish I had loved her without needing to understand her. I wish I could have been with her without picking her apart. I wish I would have just given her what she needed without thinking so much about the act of hurting her.
When I explained all this to her earlier this week when I had to go see her to pick up some of my last few possessions, she was at first surprised that I had nailed it so accurately on the head and then told me I'm the only person she will ever love and the only person who will ever understand her. She says now that she's had space her need for pain has lessened and she is happier. I didn't ask her to take me back. Instead I unfriended her on Facebook.
Goodbye, my lover.
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