Girlfriend Number One

Summer of 2002, Jackie H.  I adored her.  Looking back I can't honestly tell you why.  We didn't like the same music, or the same style of fashion, we didn't share any hobbies or interests.  But she was pretty and she thought I was funny.

Irish girl, through and through.  Strawberry blonde hair, pale skinned, but not in a sickly sort of way.  Milky white.  I treated her like a princess all summer, trying to get her to be my girlfriend.  I remember chasing after her, walking miles and miles from my house to hers in the hot July sun just to see her for a few brief moments before her mom came home and made me leave.

I was still a virgin. She had experience, probably a lot more than she should of at the age of 16.  We were sitting on the couch in my parent's living room. Holding hands.  Just watching TV.  She spread her legs and put my hand on her crotch.  It was so warm.  She was hot.  I was nervous.  We went to my room and shut the door.  We laid on the bed and I was scared to make any sort of move.  I mean this was way too fast.  We hadn't even kissed yet.  She had her pants unbuttoned, unzipped, and I was just dumbfounded.  My little brother (3 yrs younger than I) barged into the room at that moment and yelled at us demanding to know what we were doing.

In a way he saved me that day.  A few weeks later she finally said yes to being my girlfriend... then she cheated on me with my cousin...  I walked in on it.

Just wanted to hold her hand, make out, share secrets, fall in love.  She just wanted sex.

Once upon a time...

In the third grade, I really started to feel like there was something missing in my life.  I know that's really young to be thinking about life, love, and intimacy; but I knew something important was missing.  I felt incomplete.  At the age of just 8 years old I would lay in bed at night and fantasize about this girl I had known since kindergarten.

I would lay in bed and pretend that she loved me deeply and I loved her.  I didn't even have a crush on this girl, but my young mind couldn't make up a face for this game I would play every night in my head before I slept.  I would imagine talking to her about all of my feelings and secrets and she would share with me her inner most thoughts which I would have to make up on my own.

I thought a lot about how a girls mind might think differently about things and I tried to imagine how that would affect her feelings and thoughts and reactions to make believe scenarios.

I would take one of my larger blankets and arrange it to roughly a girl's body shape.  I would entangle my arms and legs around it's make shift arms and legs and I would drift off to sleep imagining that I was loved, adored, appreciated on some deep emotional level.

I played out a wedding in my head.  I played out becoming a father.  I would fantasize about stroking her hair and rubbing her belly, caressing her thighs, and embracing her hard against me.

As Ii got a little older, 4th and 5th grade, I developed a crush on a different girl and I would replace her into my fantasies.  In my mind we would go on picnics, play at recess, sit together and watch TV.  Just the idea that someone wanted to spend time with me, care if I got hurt or was sad, and love me was so important to me that i couldn't sleep at night unless I played these games in my head.

I did eventually, in 4th grade, ask this girl to be my girlfriend.  You know how that goes, I just wanted to hold her hand.  She called me a nerd.  And yeah, I was the smart kid in class. I was a geek for sure. In so many ways I still am.  A couple years later after pining for her from afar, I asked her if we could just be friends...  She never got back to me on that one.

I got past it pretty easily, developed other crushes and so on.  But still, I always felt unloved and eventually began to feel unlovable....

I don't know if it was because the way my family always fought or if my parents didn't show affection the right way or if I've just always been a hopeless and helpless romantic...

My first...

I'm 98% certain that her name was Ashley.  We were four years old and we met at a daycare center.  She was pretty, big brown eyes, shoulder length brunette hair, and those cute childish features practically everyone has at that age. We fought a lot. We weren't even friends.  But she was pretty.

One day during nap time she chose the cot next to mine and we huddled whispering to each other. We apologized for fighting all morning and we decided to make it up to one and other but we didn't have any sort of frame of reference on how exactly to do that.  Well.... I didn't.

She leaned in and told me she'll just do what her mommy does after she says sorry to her daddy.  She asked me to pull my pants down a little bit. Yeah.  That whole thing kids do - "Show me yours and I'll show you mine," that's not exactly what happened here.

Now bare in mind we were both just kids, not that it makes it any less awkward to talk about sometimes, but she leaned towards my exposed penis and gave it a kiss.  Now, I didn't have the capacity to realize what exactly was going on.  Nor did I know what was between a girls legs until she pulled her pants down a ways and told me to kiss hers...  I happily obliged, of course! I mean this is what her mommy and daddy do to make up after a fight, I was just being an adult about the whole thing.

Looking back on it, I can't help but wonder what sort of home life she had growing up...

Shortly after that she moved away for a few years.  She came back and I recognized her at school immediately.  I never mentioned it to her though.  To this day, I'd be very surprised if she even remembers that day.  She never said anything about it all the way up through high school and beyond.

Five Years Not Wasted

 I just recently got out of a five year relationship.  That is to say I was just booted out of a 5 year relationship.  I met her on Craigslist. She was everything I wanted.

For a while I was everything she thought she wanted.

She and I were engaged.  She promised to always be with me.  She left me for an albino, legally blind, middle-aged woman, who is divorced and has a toddler.  She said I didn't beat her enough.  Oh yeah, the albino is a dominatrix.

I don't get it.  She said she would have had a happy normal life if she stayed. A career, kids, a white picket fence, the whole thing.  She wants to be with multiple partners. Damn, can I pick them?

Why can't I find the right kind of crazy woman?